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How do mad scientists at the Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company stay safe?

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI   
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 147 for May 19, 3:01 pm.

Opal
Hurry up, everyone. Come in and take a seat. We have a lot to cover. 

SFX
PEOPLE TALKING. CHAIRS SCRAPING AGAINST FLOOR.

Mick
Welcome, interns. I’m Micholas Donald, but you guys can call me Mick. I work in inferential chronometry.

Opal
And my name is Dr. Opal Fellings. You may call me Dr. Fellings. I work in the crypto-biological engineering lab. 

Mick
I know that today’s youse guys’s first day, and you already had to learn a lot. 

Opal
However, the information we are about to impart is absolutely, and literally, essential for your survival here at ETC3. 

First, and most importantly, as interns, you are not permitted to work at night. Remember that. Whatever you do, do not work at night. 

Mick
And of course, the company can’t do the overtime anyway. So don’t stay late cuz we ain’t paying you for it.

Opal
(After a pause) Yes. That, too.

Mick
Next, you can’t bring any food or drinks into any of the labs. And that includes wooder.

SFX
PEOPLE WHISPERING UNINTELLIGIBLY

Opal
He means water.

Mick
That’s what I said.

Opal
Now, if you’ll open the folders on your desks, you’ll see that the top sheet lists the safety equipment you’ll find in every lab.

Each lab is equipped with an eye wash, an emergency shower, a first aid kit, a tranquilizer gun, aluminum cranial protection devices, a reverse polarimeter, a dimensional vortex detangler, and silly putty.

Mick
Yeah, the first thing you should do when you get to your labs is ask the lab manager where this stuff is located. 

Don’t worry, they don’t bite. Well, except for the one in the Johnston lab, but I don’t think any of you— 

SFX

UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING

Mick
Oh, you’re assigned there? Well, just keep plenty of venison jerky in your drawer and you’ll be fine. In the five years I’ve been here, he’s only eaten one intern. And a postdoc. But that’s it.

Anyway, that’s the one exception to the no food in the lab rule: jerky in the Johnston lab. You can expense that, by the way. 

Opal
Let’s move on to the dress code. First of all, make sure that you don’t wear open toed shoes anywhere on the ETC3 campus. We also recommend that you wear clothing that is easy to move in.

Mick
Yeah, you should always make sure that whatever you’re wearing, you can run for your life in it. You don’t want to be tripping over the hems of your pants or skirts. 

Opal
Now, when you’re in the lab, it’s important to wear your labcoat and goggles. And most important, always carry your ID badge with you. Your badge is what let’s you onto the property and into your labs. 

Badges are linked to your biometric data, so you can’t borrow someone else’s. Your badge is how we know you’re you, and that you’re allowed to be here.

Mick
eah, no one wants a repeat of that thing with the shapeshifting doppelgangers. 

SFX
THUMP

Mick
Ow! What was that for?

Opal
Finally, if you’ll look in your folder, you’ll see a sheet with a list of our emergency codes. Make sure that you memorize them and know what to do in each situation. 

Mick
That’s right. So a code red is for fire and you should evacuate the building. A code blue calls for immediate evacuation for some other reason. Code purple means that the cafeteria is behind schedule and lunch will be delayed.

Opal
Code white refers to an escaped lab animal. You should close all your lab doors until the animal is found. Your lab may be searched by a Code White Neutralization Team. If that happens, it’s important to just let them do their jobs without disturbing them.

Mick
Yeah, don’t bug them with too many questions or distract them.

Opal
Code puce is the same as a code white, except the escaped lab animal is considered dangerous and possibly armed. Usually when that happens, it’s the rabbits. A code puce is handled the same way as a code white, except the Neutralization Team will be armed.

Okay, that’s pretty much it? Any questions?

CLOSING THEME