We’re not really sure what it is… or what to do with it. 

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Brodie: Alex Abdoulaev (website) (instagram)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander
Additional music in this episode: Le Grand Chase, by Kevin MacLeod

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 214 for June 2, 4:48 pm.

Opal
(excited) Ohmygosh, I think it finally worked!

At least, I think it did. I hope it did. I mean, this is hybrid number… 594. And yes, we do about 30 hybrids at a time, but that’s still 50 batches of hybrids and it finally, probably worked!

Honestly, it’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s just this cute little mushroom just bouncing around in the containment unit. It’s like something out of a video game.

SFX
BOING BOING BOING

Opal
Of course, I’m going to have to do some sequencing on it, but I really hope I can do that without damaging her. Or it, I guess, since mushrooms aren’t really male or female—although kangaroos are so maybe it is a her?

Anyway, I think this is probably the cutest cryptobiological species we’ve designed yet.

Unfortunately, things aren’t working out as well with Robin, my intern. She left at 3 today. Of course, Robin didn’t tell me she was leaving.

Oh well, it doesn’t matter, I guess. Even if she had stayed, I wouldn’t have gotten anything useful out of her. I’m used to interns not knowing much about cryptobiology, but she doesn’t even seem to know anything about regular biology.

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 221 for June 3, 9:01

Opal
Oh no! Oh no! I can’t believe this. She…it.. she can’t be missing!

I just put in the Code White form, but I’m not really sure if it’s a Code White since a mushroom isn’t an animal but a kangaroo is but this is a—

PA System

Attention! Attention! Code White. Repeat, Code White. Subject is 4 inches tall, brown, believed to be an engineered mushroom kangaroo cryptobiological hybrid. Do not approach the subject. Report all sightings to a Code White Neutralization Team member immediately.

Opal
Well it is a Code White then. Ohmygosh, I’ve never had one of my creatures go Code White before. What if they think it’s my fault! I mean, it was in the containment unit when I left the lab and I’m sure I secured everything.

Well, I’m sure it’ll be all right. The Neutralization Team will find her and then… What will they do then? I hope they don’t hurt her. Or it. Whatever.

Maybe I should go and try to look for her myself? But Robin isn’t here yet. I’m supposed to be mentoring her. Of course, it’s kind of hard to mentor someone who’s never here.

But my hybrid… she needs me. What if she’s scared? I mean, mushrooms don’t get scared but kangaroos do. And I’m probably the person that knows the most about… whatever she—it—is. Yes, I should go look for it… or her.

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 223 for June 3, 10:26 am.

Opal
Mick! Hey, Mick, have you seen—

Mick
Opal! Did you know your voice is green? It’s green, Opal!

Opal
What?

Mick
The sounds! I can see them! They’re all in color.

Opal
Um… I think you have sudden onset synesthesia. Did you hit your head or something?

Mick
(Laughs) No. I just saw this weird bouncing mushroom, and—

Opal
You saw her? I mean, it? Where? When?

Mick
Has your voice always been green?

Opal
Mick, focus! When did you see this mushroom?

Mick
Like, five minutes ago.

Opal
Where?

Mick
In the stairwell. It was going downstairs.

Opal
Okay, come on. We have to find her.

Mick
Whoa, slow down! What’s the rush.

SFX
FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Opal
Which way would she have gone? Left or right?

SFX
PEOPLE TALKING UNINTELLIGIBLY

(They run into the Code White team)

Muffled Voice
You there!

Mick
Whoa, cuz! Your voice is orange! Did you know that?!

Opal
He… uh… He hit his head. I’m taking him to the infirmary.

Muffled Voice
Have you seen this creature?

Opal
Me? No! No. Definitely not. Bye now.

SFX
Door Opening and closing

SFX
Bird song

Mick
Man, listen to all those colors!

SFX
Dog nails on floor or jingling collar?

Brodie
What’s he going on about?

Mick
And your voice is sort of a pink-purple? Is that mauve? Might be mauve…

Opal
He hit his head.

Brodie
Really? He sounds like he’s on shrooms. The magic kind, I mean.

Opal
What? Why would you think that? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mick
Hey, was that bouncing thing a shroom? Like a magic one?

Brodie
A bouncing mushroom? So that’s what the code white is about.

Mick
Aw man, your voice is back to normal. Man that shroom didn’t last long at all. Opal, you gotta work on that lasting longer than a few min—Ow! [SFX]

Brodie
So it’s from your lab?

Opal
What? Of course not!

Brodie
Riiight. Okay, tell you what. For a latte, I’ll help you track him down.

Opal
Her. Or it. Not him though. I think…

Brodie
Whatever. Deal or no deal?

Opal
(sighs) Deal.

Brodie
Excellent. Latte first, though. It helps wake up the sniffer.

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 226 for June 3, 11:43 am.

SFX
SNIFFING

Mick
You sure we’re not just going in circles?

Brodie
If you think you could do better, why don’t you get down here and start sniffing?

Oh, speaking of useless, I saw your intern—

Opal
Robin?

Brodie
I try not to know their names. Anyway, I saw her skulking around near the McCaffrey lab.

Opal
Maybe she was looking for a clue.

Mick
What does the McCaffrey lab do?

Brodie
You didn’t hear this from me, but… (whispers) they do brain swaps.

Mick
Ha! No, really what do they do? Wait… Seriously? THey do brain swaps! That’s so cool!

Opal
Sh! Keep your voice down! No one is supposed to know. Besides, we’re wasting time.

Brodie
We’re getting close, though. Smells stronger here.

Mick
Over there! Right next to the—

Opal
(dismayed) The Code White Team!

MUSIC – SCOOBY DOO CHASE SCENE

Mick
Turn right!`

Opal
This way!

Mick
We need to flank them!

Opal
Go left!

SFX
Yapping

SFX
Screech

Opal
NOOOO!

Muffled Voice
Got it! Off to stasis, you…whatever you are…

Brodie
That’s what you think. (growls)

Muffled Voice
Aaaagh! Get off! Get—

SFX
Shattering noise

Brodie
(laughs)

Muffled Voice
Put that down! Get back here, you mutt!

Opal
Be careful, she’s delicate!

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 254 for June 3, 4:24 pm.

Mick
What was her name?

Opal
I don’t know.

Mick
Here. [take this tissue]

Opal
Thanks.

SFX
Blowing Nose

SFX
Dog nails on floor or jingling collar?

Brodie
Man, that was a lot of work. You owe me another latte.

Opal
Brodie! But where’s my hybrid?

Brodie
Don’t worry about it. She’s fine. I got her out. Found her a nice little spot in Poughkeepsie

Opal
Poughkeepsie?

Brodie
Yeah, Poughkeepsie. I think she’ll like it. Now about that latte.

Mick
Eh, I got it. Let’s go to the caf. I missed lunch.

Brodie
They’ve got those cheesesteak things you like.

Mick
Those are not cheesesteaks! I’m telling you, you can’t get a cheesesteak outside of Philly. I don’t even mean a good one. Just a real one.

CLOSING THEME