Our mad scientists get a chance to relax and enjoy the jello mold.

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Brodie: Alex Abdoulaev (website) (instagram)
Dr. Shelley: Jenn Martinez (instagram)
Dr. McCaffrey: Alex Abdoulaev
Dr. L’Engle: Anna Britton (instagram)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 356 for June 10, 10:24 am.

SFX
Coughing

OPAL
Are you okay, Mick?

MICK
(coughing)
Ohhh, I think I got the pneumonia or something, I better go home.

OPAL
You wouldn’t be trying to get out of the company picnic this afternoon, now would you?

MICK
Hey I’m just thinkin’ of youse—I don’t want to ruin the party because I got BSE or something.

OPAL
BSE? Mad Cow Disease? You don’t have that.

MICK
Well I am kinda pissed off though—

OPAL
About the picnic?

MICK
Yeah, I mean I just don’t—

OPAL
We had a deal, Mick, you can’t back out now.

MICK
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Micholas Donald don’t back outta stuff. I’ll go and give everyone Hansen’s Disease or whatever, if that’ll make you happy.

OPAL
Hansen’s Disease is leprosy. You definitely don’t have that. And the company picnic is not about making people happy. Let’s head over at noon.

MICK (coughing)
Fine, fine, you’ll be sorry when I succumb to the consumption though.

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 357 for June 10, 12:32 pm.

SFX
Outdoor “park” noises – birds singing, people talking and laughing, etc.

OPAL
You made it. Now pretend to be social for a bit and maybe we can get out of here before you-know-what…

MICK
Yeah pretty sure I have conjunctivitis but I’ll do what I can.

SFX
Panting, paws hitting grass.

BRODIE (panting)
Hey you guys.

OPAL
Hey.

MICK
What up dog?

BRODIE
Hey have you seen Robin at this thing?

OPAL
No… but that’s hardly surprising. I’ve never had a worse intern.

BRODIE
Yeah, about that… We should talk. Robin isn’t what she seems.

OPAL
She seems lazy and incompetent. You think she isn’t?

BRODIE
I’ll explain after I find her. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

MICK
Man, that dude is weird.

BRODIE (panting)
I can still hear you! I have ears like a hawk!

MICK
Attaboy!

BRODIE lets out a growl, fading quickly as his footsteps carry him rapidly away

OPAL
You’re so speciesist. I wonder what business he has with Robin.

MICK
Who knows? That little guy gets around.

OPAL
Let’s make the rounds real quick so we can leave before… before…

MICK
Team building, Opal. You can say team buil–

OPAL
Not so loud! There are ears everywhere.

MICK
That’s just one of Dr. Kiernan’s experiments, I wouldn’t–

OPAL
Shush! Let’s go pretend to be social while Brodie fetches Robin. Mick. Mick? Now where did he get off to?

MICK (from a distance): Opal! Hey! Look, they got jello mold!

OPAL
Wait! Mick wait, don’t eat that!

MICK
But it’s delicious!

SFX: squishy “landing” sound

MICK
Hey! It just jumped off my plate. Come back here, you delicious novelty dessert!

OPAL
STOP! That jello mold is Dr. Norton!

MICK
Really? Wow, Norton, you look great!

SFX
rapid squishy noises suggesting Dr. Norton is quickly squishing its way away from MICK.

MICK
He ran away… uncool!

OPAL
In fairness, you were going to eat him. Oh look, there’s Dr. Shelley. I actually like her.

MICK
Shells! Howzaboutcha?

SHELLEY
Not so loud, also not so stupid, if you please. Some of my creations have a peculiar… sensitivity.

OPAL
Hey Maria, I like your, what is that, a veil? Very black, very… you.

SHELLEY
You are too kind, my dearest Opal.

MICK
Whoa, you got a puppy! Or a kitten! Whatever it is, Imma go pet it.

SHELLEY
Retreat at once from the creature if you value your hand, you clumsy boor!

SFX: Ominous growling, like cat and dog growls intermingled.

MICK
Well I do really like my hands.

OPAL
Ooh, tell us all about your new creature!

SHELLEY
This? It’s just a little something I Franken— something I cobbled together. Proof of concept for the committee on committees, you know.

OPAL
So what’s the real project?

SHELLEY
It is another one of these but FIFTEEN percent larger.

OPAL
WHOA!

MICK
Uh huh. Well mare, it’s always a pleasure, but me and Ope gotta go see a dog.

SHELLEY
Farewell, friend and Mick.

SFX: walking, rummaging

MICK (whispered)
She is rude! And weird! I kinda like her. Oh shoot it’s Dr. L’Engle, I don’t wanna talk to her, it makes my brain hurt.

L’ENGLE (loudly)
Micholas! How wonderful! I haven’t seen you since next week! And this must be the amazing Opal you’ll be going on about.

MICK (aside)
See what I mean?

MICK (louder)
Hey, alright Dr. L’Engle. Always good to have seen you. How’s the chrono-corroboration coming?

L’ENGLE
Chrono-corrugation, and it’s progressing swimmingly. And congratulations on getting your paper accepted by the Society of Mad Science and Technology.

MICK
What? I ain’t even finished typing it.

L’ENGLE
Oops! Spoiler alert! You’re supposed to say that before the thing, aren’t you. You and I will have worked very hard on that paper, young man.

MICK
Opal, the doc here has been my mentor for like, I don’t know, maybe 12 years or so.

L’ENGLE
Marvelous! Your mastery of inferential chronometry is almost complete.

OPAL
It’s a pleasure to meet you.

SFX: warning klaxon, possibly with countdown.

L’ENGLE
Oh dear! President Kiley Miley needs me! I’d better tend to that. Oh, and Mick—thank you for next week; I had a lovely time. Bye now!

SFX
POOF!

OPAL
Did she say “President Kiley Miley?”.

MICK
Yeah. See what I mean?

OPAL
I do. She seems nice though. Oh! There’s professor McCaffrey!

MICK
Yeah! Robin was snooping around his lab, right? Maybe he knows something.

OPAL
Yoo hoo! Professor McCaffrey!

MCCAFFREY
Oh hello… you.

MICK
Yo.

OPAL
Have you seen Robin?

MCCAFFREY
No.

OPAL
My intern Robin?

MCCAFFREY
Still no.

MICK
You haven’t seen anyone snooping around your office?

MCCAFFREY
No, the only visitor I’ve had was that person calibrating the brain-swap-o-matic. They did a good job!

MICK
Welp this looks like a dead end, eh Opes?

OPAL (sighing)
The person who did the calibrating. What do you remember about them?

MCCAFFREY
They were roughly human-sized, with red hair, and spoke English I think. Oh and kept going on about how “this would fix ‘em”. Really dedicated to doing a good job I guess.

OPAL
Thanks—let me know if you see this person again will you?

MICK (whispering)
Human-sized? Speaks English? That sure sounds like Robin.

OPAL (whispering)
More importantly, they had red hair. I wonder what she was up to?

OPAL (decisively)
Well, there’s only one way to find out. Listen, you work on your paper. I’m going to investigate that lab. I’ll meet you tomorrow at 6 and tell you what I’ve found.

CLOSING THEME