Opal and Mick aren’t sure what they’re looking for, but they’ll know it when they see it.

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 457 for June 13, 11:03 am.

Voicemail
The person you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave a message after the tone.

SFX
VOICEMAIL BEEP

OPAL
Robin, where are you? This is the third day that you’ve decided to just not show up. If you’re not in the lab at 9am tomorrow, I’m going to have to inform security. You really don’t want me to talk to security, Robin.

SFX
Tone ending call

MICK
Hey Opal. So your intern’s still missing, huh?

OPAL
Yes. Not that I’m surprised. It’s almost easier with Robin not here. Half the time, I end up having to redo what she did.

MICK
That’s why I don’t have an intern. It’d take me about a billion hours to get them to do something I could do in maybe a couple of seconds, give or take.

OPAL
Yes, interns are all dummies, but Robin isn’t just dumb. She is lazy. Half the time, she comes in late, and when she’s here, she just skulks around the other labs and never does any work.

MICK
Seems pretty typical to me. When’s the last time you saw her?

OPAL
Three days ago. Just before the company picnic.

MICK
Maybe she just got food poisoning from trying to eat Dr. Norton.

OPAL
She definitely wasn’t at the picnic. Brodie was looking for her, remember?

MICK
No way! What kind of intern skips free food?!

OPAL
A terrible one, obviously.

Don’t tell anyone, but part of me hopes Robin just doesn’t come back. She just doesn’t belong here. This is a venerable institution of mad science. We shouldn’t have to put up with such a slacker.

MICK
Oh come on. She can’t be that bad. And you know, not everyone is cut out for crypto whatever.

OPAL
Cryptobiological engineering.

MICK
Right, that. Or maybe she’s got the plague or something.

OPAL
This isn’t the 1400s, Mick.

MICK
(sulking) People still get the plague.
(panicked) What if she gave me the plague?

OPAL
Right, come on.

MICK
Where are we going?

OPAL
To the lockers. I want to get to the bottom of this.


SFX
FOOTSTEPS

OPAL
Here we are. This one’s Robin’s.

MICK
What are you going to do? Break in?

OPAL
Shh!

MICK
Holy cannoli, you are! I didn’t think you had it in you, OPAL.

OPAL
I said be quiet. I need to concentrate.

SFX
CLICKING OF COMBINATION LOCK. THEN THE SOUND OF THE LOCK OPENING.

MICK
(whistles) It’s full of pictures of Brodie.

OPAL
Ohmygosh! Brodie was looking for Robin at the picnic, remember? And he disappeared that same day!

MICK
Whoa! Slow down! Brodie didn’t disappear. He left a note. He went to see his sister.

OPAL
Mick, one of these pictures has a bullseye on it.

MICK
Maybe Brodie just owes her for a latte. I mean he owes me for about six of them.

OPAL
No, this is something bigger than a coffee tab. We have to find them.

MICK
Okay, fine. But only because I want my latte money back. So what’s the plan?

OPAL
I haven’t figured that part out yet. We need more data. Let’s go to Brodie’s office.

MICK
Ha! Brodie’s office. He’s a pomeranian, Opal.

OPAL
He is a pomeranian with an office. Let’s go.

SFX
FOOTSTEPS

OPAL
Look! The door’s open. Brodie would never do that.

MICK
(whistles) Man, this is huge! He’s got windows! Actual windows! Two walls of them! I mean, whose leg did he have to hump to get this?

OPAL
Mick!

MICK
Is that an espresso machine in the corner?

OPAL
Focus, Mick. Look, he didn’t even finish his latte.

MICK
Okay, Brodie definitely wouldn’t do that. That dog has a serious caffeine addiction.

Hey why does he have a computer? It’s not like he can type with his paws.

OPAL
It’s bark responsive. Let’s see what he was doing on it before he left.

SFX
Typing. An error beep.

OPAL
Not that.

SFX
More typing

OPAL
Aha!

MICK
What was the password. And, why do you know how to do all this stuff?

OPAL
Espresso. And what stuff?

(gasps) Look at this.

MICK
Whoa, he’s got a file on Robin. There’s a copy of her application to the ETC3 internship program, satellite photos, vital records searches, newspaper articles.

OPAL
Brodie did say he wanted to tell us something about her.

MICK
Yeah, but what?

OPAL
I think… I think he was trying to tell us that Robin’s a fake.

MICK
Say what?

OPAL
This vital records search says that Robin doesn’t exist. She used a fake name on her internship application. And the address she put down doesn’t exist either. That satellite photo shows it’s a landfill. And the school Robin submitted transcripts from burned down 30 years ago. Everything about her is fake.

MICK
You know, this is starting to look maybe not so good.

OPAL
You don’t say.

CLOSING THEME