It’s not just Robin and Brodie that are missing. 

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Security: Jenn Martinez (instagram)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 511 for June 14, 10:57 am.

SFX
whirring, like from a segway. Whirring stops before security person speaks

SECURITY
Excuse me, Miss. Miss? Miss!

OPAL
Hey! Let go of me!

SECURITY
You didn’t respond, Miss—

OPAL
I am not a miss. I am Doctor OPAL Fellings. You may call me Doctor Fellings.

SECURITY
Right. Doctor Fellings. Have you seen this machine?

SFX
Rustling paper noise

OPAL
Of course. That’s the Cerebro-Cerebellar Extraction and Stasis Pod. The CCESP. Why?

SECURITY
And when did you last see this machine?

OPAL
Hmm… maybe last week?

SECURITY
And where did you see the machine?

OPAL
What do you mean, where did I see it? I saw it in the brain lab. Where else would it be?

(gasps)

Ohmygosh! Is the CCESP missing?

SECURITY
I’ll ask the questions, Mi—Doctor Fellings.

OPAL
How long has it been missing? Who’s the last person who saw it? When was that? Do you know who took it? How did they get it out?

SECURITY
We’re actively investigating, Dr. Fellings. Now—

OPAL
Well you’re not doing a good job. I have to go talk to Mick.

SECURITY
Doctor Fellings? Doctor Fellings!

SFX: rapid footsteps

OPAL
Mick, you won’t believe this. The Cerebro-Cerebellar Extraction and Stasis Pod is missing.

MICK
You’re right. I don’t. What’s a cerebra-bellerm… thing?

OPAL
Cerebro-Cerebellar Extraction and Stasis Pod. It’s abbreviated CCESP, if that helps.

MICK
It doesn’t.

OPAL
It facilitates the removal of the cerebrum and cerebellum from the cranial cavity and then holds them in stasis until they can be placed into another cranial cavity.

MICK
Okay….

OPAL
It helps you do brain transplants.

MICK
Oh, yeah, brain transplants. Why didn’t you just say so?

OPAL
I did.

Anyway, Mick, don’t you see what this means?

MICK
(Cheerfully) Nope!

OPAL
Mick, we found a book called An Introduction to Mammalian Cerebral Transplantation, the CCESP is missing, Robin and Brodie are missing, and we have a printout confirming the purchase of a ticket to something called the Museum of Non-Euclidean Geography.

What does all that tell you?

MICK
I dunno? That Robin’s got Brodie at this museum and she’s going to swap his brain?

OPAL
Um… yes. Yes!

MICK
Whoa? Really? Cool!

OPAL
No, Mick, not cool. We have to save Brodie.

MICK
I know right? But we got the conference coming up too!

OPAL
The Annual Meeting of the Society of Mad Science and Questionable Technology.

MICK
The chances of me finishing my paper by next Wednesday and finding the Museum of Eurypterid Mythology are roughly nope.

OPAL
Wow. Eurypterids are actually a thing, Mick, I’m impressed. Anyway, you work on the paper, and I’ll figure out exactly where this Museum is.

MICK
Lemme come with ya, I can—

OPAL
No, Mick— you need to finish up your monkey shines. Do it for mad science, Mick.

MICK
Well, if you’re sure…

OPAL
I’m sure. (deep sigh) I just have to figure out a new approach. I’ve been searching Gobble for days trying to find the Museum of Non-Euclidean Geography, but there’s nothing…

MICK
Okay, okay. What do you usually do when you’re trying to figure something out and Gobble isn’t helping?

OPAL
(mumbles)

MICK
What was that?

OPAL
I talk to Brodie.

MICK
Aww. Do you want a hug?

OPAL
Not from you.

CLOSING THEME