Season 1, Episode 7 – The Conference

Mick probably should have gone into ray guns. 

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Dr. L’Engle: Anna Britton (instagram)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 674 for June 17, 12:17 pm.

SFX
Cafeteria noises: people talking, silverware against plates

MICK
Man, this place is great! Did you see the giant ray gun exhibition? Now, that’s mad science. If I was just starting off (in mad science), I’d get into ray guns. What about you, Opal? Opal?

OPAL
What?

MICK
I was just talking about the ray guns. Pretty cool, right?

OPAL
Um, sure.

MICK
Yo, Opal! Earth to Opal! What gives?

OPAL
Sorry, Mick. I’m just so worried about Brodie that I can’t concentrate. Someone used Cruncher to cross Bromeliads and Passerines, and I barely took a page of notes!

MICK
You take notes at these things?

OPAL
What if Brodie is in mortal danger? And all because we can’t figure out where the Museum of Non-Euclidean Geography is!

L’ENGLE
Hello, Mick and Dr. Fellings. I assume you’re talking about the gala we went to tomorrow evening? It’s on Finch Street, just two blocks over. The nature of non-euclidean geography makes the museum rather hard to find. It makes Gobble Maps absolutely useless.

OPAL
You’re telling me.

L’ENGLE
Still, we had such a delightful time. And wasn’t Professor Bramblefirth charming? Oh, oops! Spoiler alert! [should we add something to make this more of a clue? See note in “At the gala”]

MICK
A Gala? At the museum! Yeah, we should totally crash that!

L’ENGLE
Oh, no, the event tomorrow was invitation only. But you must have received invitations if you were there.

OPAL
Oh, yes. I’m sure we had—will have them tomorrow. Yes. Come on, Mick. We should go check out the main poster presentations.

MICK
But there’s a million people there now.

OPAL
(forcefully) Come on, Mick.

SFX
Footsteps. Murmuring voices.

OPAL
Excuse me, pardon me, coming through. So sorry, just need to get through, excuse me, pardon me. This way Mick. Excuse me.

Phew, okay.

MICK
Wait a minute, we didn’t look at a single poster. What was the point of that?

OPAL
I got us tickets to the gala tomorrow night.

MICK
How’d you do that? Wait, did you pick their pockets?

OPAL
Sh! It doesn’t matter.

MICK
What else did you score?

OPAL
Focus, Mick! We’re on a mission!

We’re going to have to get outfits. At least, I am. I didn’t pack anything suitable for a gala. What about you?

MICK
No problem. I’m sure I can rent a monkey suit from somewhere. I’ll do that right after my talk.

OPAL
That’s right. I forgot you had a talk. What are you speaking about again?

MICK
Adjusting locomotive transit scheduling to follow principles of inferential chronometry.

OPAL
Isn’t that already a thing? I mean the trains are always late, unless you’re also running late. Then they’re on time.

MICK
That is such a reductionist viewpoint, Opal. You should attend my talk. You might learn something.

OPAL
Oh, hey, I’m late for a panel on enhancing entropic behavior in felids. See you later.

SFX
Hurried footsteps.


ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance file number 683 for June 18, 4:52 pm.

MICK
…so in conclusion, using putative fuzzy scheduling techniques based on inferential chronometry enhances the temporal superposition of the locomotive.

SFX
Slow clapping and murmuring sounds from the assembled crowd of mad scientists

OPAL (whisper)
Mick!

MICK
Opal!

OPAL
The gala starts in a few hours—
 
MICK
Pfft you telling me? I always know how long stuff takes, as I was just explaining to the rubes here—

VOICE (distantly)
We can hear you, stupid!

MICK (feedback)
Oops! Hot mic.

OPAL
We’ve got to get going!

MICK
Right! Got to go pick up my suit at Guido’s Tuxedos.

OPAL
And I need to swing by Bess’s Dresses. Where did you park?

MICK
Huh?

OPAL
I’m not doing the rhyme thing, Mick. Where’s the car? We have to get to Brodie fast.

SFX
Running footsteps.


ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing off-site surveillance drone recording number 686 for June 18, 6:50 pm.

SFX
Car door slams. Engine noises (not too loud).

MICK
Well, look at you all dandied up for the party.

OPAL
Thank you, I—oh holy sugar cubes! Mick, what are you wearing?! I thought when you said you were going to get a monkey suit, you meant a tuxedo.

MICK
I did mean a tuxedo, but the rental place… well, they got a little confused.

OPAL
Unbelievable! Well, we don’t have time to get you another outfit and make it to the party.

MICK
Of course! Remember, you are in the presence of a moderately renowned inferential chronometry… ologist.

OPAL
Right. Anyway, here’s your invitation. Let’s go.

MICK
Chill out, Opal. It’s smooth sailing from here.

SFX
Car stuff

OPAL
AAAAAHHH! STOP!!

SFX
Brake sounds

MICK
Are you OK? What happened?

OPAL
Quick find somewhere to park! We have to go get her!

MICK
Get who?

OPAL
Duchess Penelope Hopsworthy!

MICK
Please refer to my earlier query…

OPAL
THE KANGASHROOM! She just ran across the street! She could’ve been killed!

MICK
Whoa! That’s what you named it? Boy…

SFX
Car doors slam as they exit

OPAL
That’s not important right now. We have to save her!

MICK
But aren’t we gonna, um, like trip balls, so to speak, if we get near that thing?

OPAL
I’m almost certain that she is probably not currently in a sporulation phase at this particular time.

MICK
Well that’s good enough for me! You’re the crypt keeper after all!

OPAL
[grunts or clucks disapprovingly]

OPAL
OK, let’s split up so we can cover more ground.

MICK
Great idea, that always works in the movies.

OPAL
How much time do we have?

MICK
Twenty-two minutes, give or take.

OPAL
OK let’s meet back here in fifteen.


ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing off-site surveillance drone recording number 691 for June 18, 7:19 pm.

SFX
Fast tempo musical sequence, a la Flight of the Bumblebee

MICK
Here, thingy thingy! Here little, uh, shroomy…

OPAL
Aww, so cute. Hi widdle buddy! Hi there! So cute…

MICK
OPAL! Why are you petting that sign post?

OPAL
Because he is ADORABLE. Sooo cute. Mick, I have to tell you something personal.

MICK
Oh, ah, maybe don’t, Opal—

OPAL
I HAVE TO SAY THIS! Mick, purple is not a real color. It’s not real!

MICK
Looks like you found the thingy there Opal.

OPAL
I did, I did… we had a great chat. I invited her to the party! But she had to go to Poughkeepsie, so not tonight.

MICK
Right. Speaking of the party, we need to get over there. Come on.

SFX
Car doors open and close. Engine revving, squealing tires, brakes squeaking, horns honking, then car doors opening and closing.

MICK
Made it! Opal, you back to normal yet? I mean, for you….

OPAL
I’m fine, Mick. The psychotropic effects of sporulation only last a few minutes once exposure is terminated.

MICK
Yeah, I know.

SFX
Footsteps

SECURITY
Excuse me sir, you can’t go in there. This is an invitation-only event.

MICK
Yes, and I have an invitation.

SFX
Rustling of papers

SECURITY
Oh, Dr. Simian… I’m so sorry. I should have realized.

MICK
Yes, you should have. I have never been so insulted, not even the time when—Ow!

OPAL
We should join the others. Mingling to do. Come on, Dr. Simian.

SFX
Party/crowd noises get louder.

CLOSING THEME

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