Will Opal and Mick fall for it?

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Brodie: Alex Abdoulaev (website) (instagram)
Dr. L’Engle: Anna Britton (instagram)
Prof. Bramblefirth: David Steussy

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance drone recording number 710 for June 18, 10:13 pm.

MICK
What is this place?

OPAL
You don’t think it’s his… his lair, do you?

MICK
No way. I mean it’s just way too boring. There isn’t even a shark tank.

OPAL
It’s just so… bright! And cheerful!

MICK
Yeah, where’s the spooky green lighting? And the miasma of dread?

OPAL
That’s just your lab, Mick. These posters, though….

MICK
Don’t be square, tie back long hair? Wearing open toed shoes leads to the blues? Where’d he get these, hallmark?

OPAL
I don’t like this place. Let’s see if Brodie’s here.

MICK
Yeah, no one deserves to be trapped here.

SFX
footsteps

OPAL
(whispering) I think I hear them. Listen!

SFX
murmuring voices

MICK
I can’t tell what they’re saying. We gotta get closer.

SFX
footsteps

MICK
(whispering) There they are. Let’s hide behind the whatchamacallit.

OPAL
It’s the Cerebro-Cerebellar Extraction and Stasis Pod.

MICK
Yeah, that thing.

SFX
tiptoeing

OPAL
(whispering) Look. In the dog crate.

MICK
That’s our dude, all right.

BRODIE
You know what your problem is? You’re like the decaf version of a villain. I mean, this whole scheme of yours is just… boring.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
And yet here you are. Stuck in a little cage while I slowly take apart everything you’ve done. Even our unwelcome guests won’t be able to stop that.

SFX
something falling, then a thump

OPAL
Ah!

MICK
Dagnabbit! A net!

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Welcome to my laboratory, Dr. Fellings and… what was it again? Ralph something?

MICK
Ralph?! I—

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Ah ha! I have an excellent memory for names, you know. It’s an important skill, young Ralph. Not that you’ll have time to develop it.

MICK
Hey, whaddya mean by that?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
I mean you are about to meet a very timely end.

MICK
Oh, no, I don’t do timely. I’m an inferential chronometrologist.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Yes, an utterly frivolous pursuit. Dr. Fellings at least has the skills to do somethin—

BRODIE
Sensible?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Yes, as it happens! The world needs to be more sensible. It is a trait everyone should cultivate!

BRODIE
Unless you want to be a mad scientist.

OPAL
That’s why you look familiar! You used to work at Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company!

MICK
No way! What did you do there?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
I am a hypotheticologist.

OPAL
What’s that?

BRODIE
It means he spent so much time asking whether we should do something that he never bothered to ask if we can. And that’s the whole point of mad science! To see if we can!

BRAMBLEFIRTH
You can’t just go around doing science because it’s fun! There has to be a purpose for science.

BRODIE
Yeah, okay Babyfroth.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
And again with the names! Bramblefirth isn’t a difficult name. But instead, it was always Bigglesworth or Bumble-foot or Baggins-shirt.

MICK
(chuckles) That’s pretty good.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
No, it is not! The Bramblefirths are an old and extensively pedigreed family.

BRODIE
I’m a pomeranian. There’s no way you’re as pedigreed as me.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Why you—

OPAL
What the heck are you trying to do anyway?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
I’m not falling for that.

MICK
Falling for what?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
That thing where I tell you what I plan to do while you use the time to come up with an escape plan.

OPAL
Like what kind of escape plan? You know. Hypothetically speaking.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
How stupid do you think I am?

BRODIE
Isn’t it obvious?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Shut up! You know nothing!

BRODIE
I know you’re going to try to use the brain swapper to take over my body.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Pure speculation.

BRODIE
And then you’re going to try and take over ETC3.

OPAL
That’s not actually a bad scheme.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Fine. Yes. And then, I will put an end to this mad science nonsense. No more unregulated experiments. There will be proper procedures put in place. We will have protocol evaluations and Institutional Review Boards!

OPAL and MICK gasp

MICK
Man, I guess, just because you’re mad and you’re a scientist doesn’t mean you’re a mad scientist.

SFX
Clock

OPAL
Just out of curiosity, does Dr. L’Engle know about any of this?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
L’Engle? That fool can’t even manage a datebook.

L’ENGLE
That’s Dr. Fool to you!

BRAMBLEFIRTH
What are you doing here?

L’ENGLE
Foiling your plans of course. Here, Micolas. Catch.

MICK
Hey, scissors!

SFX
snipping noises

L’ENGLE
And as for you. Meet Duchess Hopsworthy!

SFX
Boing sound.

OPAL
Penelope!

BRAMBLEFIRTH
What is that monstrosity?

OPAL
How dare you?!

BRAMBLEFIRTH
What’s it doing? Why is it coming towards me? Someone get it away from me!

SFX
Boing sound.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Why… why are you all turning colors? Where did you get those hats? They look like… sunflowers…

MICK Looks like he got shroomed.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Why don’t I have a sunflower hat?

L’ENGLE
Excellent work, Penelope.

BRODIE
Is one of you going to let me out or not?

MICK
Oh, yeah.

SFX
hinges creaking

BRODIE
Free at last.

OPAL
What do we do with Bramblefirth?

L’ENGLE
I’ll take care of him. Here, use this to tie him up.

MICK
Is this macrame?

L’ENGLE
Micolas, drag him over to the elevator.

MICK
(makes struggling noises)

SFX
dragging noises. Elevator sounds. more dragging noises.

MICK
Man, he is heavy.

BRODIE
Interesting paint job.

L’ENGLE
I was inspired by Penelope.

MICK
Right. Inspired.

L’ENGLE
Just throw him into the back, Micolas. Penelope and I will take care of him.

OPAL
Thank you both. How did you know we needed you?

L’ENGLE
Oh, you told me all about it next week.

OPAL
Right. Well, we couldn’t have done it without you.

L’ENGLE
Nonsense, dear. I’m sure you would have figured something out. But, I must be off. I have other times to be.

SFX
L’Engle gets in her car. Tires squealing as she leaves.

MICK
You know, she never takes me with her.

OPAL
I can’t imagine why. Let’s head back to ETC3.

BRODIE
Sounds good. Hey, can we stop for lattes on the way?

CLOSING THEME