Mick and Opal finally find the museum.

Mick Donald: Altay Akgun (instagram)
Opal Fellings: Anju Kanumalla (website)
Dr. L’Engle: Anna Britton (instagram)
Prof. Bramblefirth: David Steussy
Robin: Jenn Martinez (instagram)

Written and produced by Anju Kanumalla and Altay Akgun
Show art: Megan Rhodes.

Opening theme: Amazing Plan, by Kevin MacLeod
Closing theme: Whisky, by Crowander

The Script

This script is presented as written, not as recorded. Minor deviations between this script and the final podcast may exist. Corrections can be posted in the comments.

OPENING THEME

ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance drone recording number 698 for June 18, 8:42 pm.

SFX
The warm and luxurious tones of a string quartet indicate that this is a FANCY event.

MICK
Whoa! This is one fancy science party! Who knew eucalyptus geometry was such a big whoop?

OPAL
It’s Non-Euclidean Geography, and it’s a very big whoop, as you say. Now try and act like you’ve been here before, Dr. Simian!

MICK
<<makes affirmative monkey noises>>

OPAL
OK, let’s stick together.

MICK
Yeah we don’t want you getting in no more trouble! Remember that time you got dosed by the kangashroom?

OPAL
It was 15 minutes ago, so yes, I do remember.

MICK
What ever happened to that little guy?

OPAL
She’ll be fine, she’s very capable of taking care of herself. And right now we’ve got bigger fish to fry.

MICK
Jeez, fancy place like this you’d think they’d fry the fish for you.

SFX
Clock noise signals the arrival of L’Engle

L’ENGLE
Mick! Opal! What a pleasant surprise! And what a delightful costume, Mick.

MICK
Ooh ooh aah ahh (monkey talk)

OPAL
Hi, but you… told us about this gala? Said to meet you here?

[is this a chance to reconcile/pay off L’Engle’s apology for being late? If that gets too sticky we can just cut it BUT I enjoy that sort of consistent through line]

L’ENGLE
That does sound like something I will have done, yes. Would you excuse me a moment? I have to go freshen up, I’ve come a long when to be now.

OPAL
I’ll never get used to that.

MICK
Me too neither.

OPAL
Ok, we’ll meet up with her later.

MICK
Or earlier.

OPAL
Eesh. Don’t. In the meantime let’s start investigating. I bet this place is crawling with clues!

MICK
Urrh unnh

OPAL
That… goes without saying. Let’s go talk to the Maitre d’, and see if they remember Robin or saw anything out of the ordinary.

SFX
Footsteps, clinking glasses, party chatter

OPAL
Hello, can I ask you a few questions?

MAITRE D’
Of course, Doctor Goodall. Ah, hello again Dr. Simian.

OPAL
Well, I’m looking for my dear old friend Robin and heard she might be
here. She’s about six feet tall, with red hair—

MAITRE D’
Yes! I think that’s her right there!

OPAL
Really, I— that appears to be an orangutan.

MAITRE D’
She is also a tenured professor. Frankly, Doctor Goodall
I’d expect you of all people to be more open-minded, after all you’re here with Dr. Simian, who is clearly a chimpanzee.

MICK
Me human boy!

MAITRE D’
Dreadfully sorry! Oh, now that I think about it there was a tall woman with auburn hair, but that’s an entirely different color—

OPAL
Where did you see her? How long ago? Who was she with? Did she have a dog?

MAITRE D’
Right here, not five minutes ago, speaking with Professor Bramblefirth.
No dog though.

OPAL
Thanks.

SFX
Walking away sounds, more atmospheric noise

OPAL
She’s here! I knew it. And she was talking with someone named Bramblefirth—Dr. L’Engle mentioned that name yesterday.

SFX
Clinking of plates and glasses as a SERVER works their way around the room

SERVER
Hello, would you like an hors d’ouevre?

MICK
Who’s asking?

SERVER
Me, a server at this fancy party.

MICK
OK. What ya got?

SERVER
Seared ahi tuna on sweet potato crisps.

MICK
(Crunchy noises, followed by happy monkey sounds)
OK, your story checks out. Opal, their story checks out!

SERVER
(trailing off) Hors d’ouevres anyone?

OPAL
Good work Mick, that’s the spirit. Let’s see if we can find Robin, or whatever her REAL name is, and Brodie.

L’ENGLE
(approaching) Yoo hoo! Opal! Mick!

L’ENGLE
(closer now) I’ve got someone I’d like you to meet. This is Professor Siegfried Bramblefirth, the Chairman Emeritus of the Museum of Non-Euclidean Geography. Siegfried, these are my colleagues, Dr. Opal Fellings and Mick Donald, a post-doc at ETC3.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
What a pleasure! Dr. Fellings, your work on cryptid epigenetics is… extraordinary. Rick, it’s nice to meet you too.

MICK
[Angry monkey noise]

OPAL
(slightly flustered) Well, yes, thank you. It’s a pleasure to meet you Professor.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Please, call me Siegfried.

MICK
Ayy Professor Siegfried. Lemme ax you something.

BRAMBLEFIRTH
Hmph.

MICK
You like dogs? Little dogs?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
I’m more of a… fish person myself.

MICK
Aha!

MICK
(stage whisper) Opal! He don’t like dogs! That’s another clue.

OPAL
Please don’t mind my friend here, he’s recently lost his dog. I don’t suppose you’ve seen a little pomeranian, possibly sipping a latte, around here?

BRAMBLEFIRTH
I see. I assure you I haven’t seen any such dog. Madeleine, There’s something I’d like to show you out in the Escher Pavilion.

L’ENGLE
Oh, I love seeing things in pavilions! Lead on, Professor!

SFX
Footsteps

OPAL
Mick! Let me handle the questioning. Your ham-fisted nincompoopery may have alerted Bramblefirth to our ulterior motive!

MICK
Hey, looked like you had the vapors, so somebody had to axe the questions.

OPAL
Let’s split up, we can cover more ground that way. Meet back here in 15 minutes.


ETC3 AI
Eastern Tennessee Clown Car Company Archive. Accessing surveillance drone recording number 704 for June 18, 9:33 pm.

MICK
Guess what I seen.

OPAL
Was it Robin? Was it Brodie?

MICK
That’s two guesses, both wrong.

OPAL
Mick!

MICK
Okay, okay. Jeez. I seen Professor Brigadoon on his way outta the wash room. And his tuxedo tails had a bunch of little bite marks! Like from a small dog or some such.

MICK (whisper)
I think yer pal Professor Brundlefly is in on this caper, is what I think!

OPAL
I hate to say it, but I think you’re right. He sure did leave in a hurry when we mentioned Brodie.

OPAL
Mick! Look at that!

MICK

Whoa! The Professor traded L’Engle for a younger model already?

SFX
[smack!]

OPAL
No you goofus, that’s ROBIN! The Professor is talking to Robin.

MICK
He dumped L’Engle for ROBIN THE INTERN???

OPAL

(sighs) No, no, come on.

MICK
Yo, they’re heading for the kitchen!

OPAL
Quick! Follow them!

MICK
Hey, Robin’s going out the back door. Where’d Brindlebog get off to?

OPAL
I don’t know, but follow her! But be careful. She’s usually pretty heavily armed.

SFX
footsteps

MICK
Wow, she’s pretty fast.

OPAL
I know right?

SFX
BOING!

MICK
Ayy, look at that. The countess got ‘er!

OPAL
DUCHESS! Way to go!!

SFX
DUCHESS kanga-shroom happy sounds

ROBIN
Oh, heeyyy, I remember you!

MICK
She’s… she’s…

OPAL
She’s been sporulated!

ROBIN
Psssst! Hey! Ya wanna see my gun? Or rather, guns?

OPAL (nervously)
Robin, hi! Yes we would love to see any and all guns you have.

SFX
Unzipping and unholstering sounds, rustling of clothing, etc. as Robin removes her weapons. Maybe sound of a slide pulled back?

ROBIN
These two are Bert and Ernie. I call this one Trevor. He’s sensitive. And this is Shooty McGee. She’s my favorite. SHUT UP TREVOR! Oh yeah, guns, gotta love ‘em…

OPAL
Robin, these are very nice guns—

ROBIN
I know, right? Hey! You wanna hooooold ‘em?

MICK
Sweet! (solid metallic clickings and such like as guns change hands)

OPAL
Now Robin—

ROBIN
MMmmmmm? [goo-goo sounds] Whazhooo need? Want a widdle tweat?

OPAL
No! Please. I can only imagine what a ‘treat’ means to someone in your
state of mind.

MICK
Eh but you was just in that state today, actual—

OPAL
Not now, Mick! Robin, can you tell us where Brodie is?

ROBIN
The widdle doggie? Sure I can but you hafta keep it SHHHhhhhhh

MICK
SHHhhhhh

ROBIN
SHHHHhhhhhhhhh

OPAL
Mick! SHHHHHHHhhhhh!

ROBIN (laughing)
Shhhhhh. OK, well, Bungleford’s got ‘im in his secret lair.

MICK
Lair? Where?

ROBIN
There. Oops I was supposed to keep that Shhhhhh

MICK
SHhhhh

OPAL
Lair? There? Behind that little gazebo?

MICK
Yo, gazebos are round, that’s actually a pavilion.

OPAL
Not now, Mick!

ROBIN
Beneath that little—I think it’s more of a pergola, actually? Anyway,
secret door, scary staircase, the usual.

OPAL
How do you know all this? What’s your role in this scheme?

ROBIN
Well, I shouldn’t be telling you this but you’re nice so I will. (whispering) Bigglesworth hired me to kidnap the doggie. I don’t know why, and it’s not really my business. I’m a professional.

OPAL
Why did you take the brain-swapper? Was that part of the plan?

ROBIN
How’d you know that was me? Wow you’re so smart. I love your bangs, too. Anyway, not my bizness. Professional. Shhhhhh…

OPAL
Mick, we’ve got to get down there!

ROBIN
You can’t—ya need a special key. Like this one!

MICK
OOoh I’ll trade ya for it.

ROBIN
WHADDAYA GOT?

MICK
BUNCH O’ GUNS!

ROBIN
DEAL!

SFX
Same “exchanging of guns” sound as before, ending with a gunshot!

ROBIN
SHhhhHHH! Oops I better get out of here!

OPAL
Mick, are you ok?

MICK
Yeah—she’s right though we better split.

OPAL
Duchess, go find Professor L’Engle… you’ve got to warn her about Bramblefirth’s nefarious intentions! If he hasn’t already gotten to her…

SFX
Boingggggg!

CLOSING THEME